Back in the Saddle Again

I guess I’ve taken a 3 week vacation from writing. I didn’t intend to, and didn’t realize till today how long it’s been since I last wrote an entry. I’ve been struggling a lot with understanding why I’m writing, who I want to write for, what I want to say in general. And my writing has been bringing up old memories and feelings as well, that I’ve wanted to focus on. About the time I stopped writing I had realized that it would help me to go back into therapy again, but I wasn’t quite ready to bring that up to Jim, my husband – and so that was another issue to think about.

So, what I did do during these last few weeks was to write down a topic heading, say …. IF I had written that day…. What would my topic have been? And for my own note taking, to also jot down what else I did that day.

So – just to get me current – today I’m going to put out that list of all the topics that were missed! Perhaps at some point I’ll come back to them, probably will actually, but they won’t get their 1200 word treatment today.

1 – A book I’ve been reading – Rise Above by Ralph Braun. It was given to me by a sales guy at the place where my Chair Topper is serviced. I was waiting around, and looked like I needed something “inspirational” to read I guess. This kind of book drives me crazy. The title alone is annoying.

2 – 7/13 was the Anniversary of my going home from rehab – another milestone from 1973 –and the beginning of another phase of changes.

3 – parking issues – oh boy, lots of material here. But one day I parked in a non-handicapped spot because all the H spots were taken, and the store was one I REALLY wanted to go to. The non-H spots were fairly large so I could get out ok, and I took that chance I’d get parked in. Been a LONG time since I did this when out alone.

4 – HOT HOT HOT – I can’t handle the heat at all anymore. AC running non stop

5 – My physical therapist gave her stamp of approval for my new chair. I’m very glad. I do sit up straighter, not perfect, but better.

6 – Wrote a letter to Tilite (the chair manufacturer) complaining about the arms – too heavy, hard to put on and off. Also sent a positive testimonial and photos since they were nice enough to swap out the higher arms for lower ones for free.

7 – another parking day – spent time previewing the area around an event I’ll attend in August, mostly puzzling out parking issues. I know there are people who pre drive a route and check parking when are going someplace new, but I’m not usually one of them!

8 – Got alterations done of several shirts – GREAT IDEA! I think this will change how I shop for clothes. If I like a shirt basically, and the only problem is something like irritating ¾ sleeves – buy it and get it fixed!

9 – My relationship with my Mom has changed a lot over the years, lots to talk about there. Now I’m actually getting along with her the best I ever have.

10 – Blogging, writing, takes a lot of time. After a week it’s clear I have more time, but I miss the writing.

11 – While I get dressed – Jim can feed the cats, make coffee, take a shower and get dressed. If I take a shower before getting dressed, he can also eat breakfast, read the paper and give cats treats. I hate being anywhere before 10:30, because it takes me 2 hours to do my morning routine. I can’t imagine trying to be at work by 9.

12 – Comic-Con – I was too late to get tickets, and I really wanted to go. I found someone who would go with me, to push me about because I know the facility is too big, but I was late getting tickets. Then I found out that whoever is pushing me can get in free! I’m going to go next year.

13 – Allergies! Not disability related, but so annoying! We had a few days of hot weather, and the cats were shedding. I think that’s what messed me up.

14 – Terrible seats in a movie theater, so annoying to be in the back row on the side. I can live with it, but I hate my friends having to give up better seats.

15 – One of my son Stephen’s friends is biking cross – country, like Stephen did 3 years ago. This time I find it more fun to read the blog about it. What an adventure! And when it’s not my kid, I worry less. This is something I will never be able to do, unless it’s by car.

16 – A friend and I are having dinner together in August, my turn to pick a restaurant. We both use wheelchairs. Once again I’m picking someplace partly because of parking. I hate picking some one place over another because of parking! With restaurants there are so many places to choose from it isn’t that big a deal, but I might end up picking a therapist based on parking too. That is more than annoying.

17 – More sleep trouble – cats.

18 – I am a super organized person, always have been, even pre injury. Now though, it does make me feel like I’m more useful that I can help a friend of mine who is moving with my organizational skills, even though I can’t pack and carry boxes for her.

19 – a biggie – wheelchair update. I decided to switch the tires for my 2 sets of wheels. I like the orange spoke wheels with the smooth push rims best – so thought I’d put the pneumatic tires on them, and move the solid tires to the yellow spoke wheels. Things did not go smoothly, and the repair guy punctured one inner tube – so I’m on the solids till new inner tubes are ordered.

20 – running low on gas, had to pump my own (with help from another customer because the push pad was so high up)

21 – I have a 2004 Toyota Avalon, caught in the latest recall for possible breaking in the steering column. I called immediately for an appointment, to be called back and told they didn’t have the parts yet! So, for now, I’m driving around a “risky” vehicle. Not super worried.

22 – I am listening to a book on tape about a high school shooting – why do I end up picking this kind of book? This time I would say I didn’t realize it was about a shooting, I picked the book up because it was the only book on tape by that author, and honestly it’s a good story! But did I read a summary at all before checking the library book out? There must be some reason I gravitate to stories like this, or do I?

23 – really busted tires. I’ve been sitting on the solids for 4 days, and they have a squeak every time I go over a certain spot on the tire. So, I did some research. The tech broke a cable inside the solid tires. They are busted, have to be replaced. I’m not in danger riding on them, but effectively my attempt to swap pneumatic tires and solids has caused me to have busted both sets. Ordered another set of solids, a tool to put them on, new inner tubes and new rim liners to keep spokes from poking the tubes. $103. Meanwhile until supplies come in, I’m sitting on squeaky tires on the yellow rim wheels I don’t like. Sigh.

24 – Somehow I messed up my 3rd toe on my left foot. I have a big scab at the tip of the toe, half under my nail. Where did I bump it? What did I go?

Last but not least, and this does deserve a full paragraph at least, is the topic of therapy. Today I met with the therapist I saw for about 10 years, between 1980 and 1990 approximately. As I was thinking about the idea of therapy, it occurred to me that seeing Melody would be a good first step. My insurance plan is decent. It covers all but $20 a session, with no maximum number of sessions a year. I thought I might see her again, find out what her rates are, and ask her to review the list of therapists who are covered in-network for my insurance. I wasn’t even sure she was doing the kind of therapy I’d be interested in. The last I knew (20 years ago) she was switching to more psychoanalysis. When I found her listed in the yellow pages, I was at the same time both pleased she was still in practice and at the same location, and somehow sad that her life hadn’t taken her on some new journey. Perhaps when you are happy with what you do, then there’s no need to move, huh? For my own sake, I’m glad she is still here – both alive in this world, and in San Diego, and in practice. She said I looked just the same, which I think was just being nice. She looks good, a bit thinner, but healthy, just older. She sounds exactly the same. It felt a bit like going back to see “Mom”, a bit like seeing an old friend to catch up on what was new, and a bit like therapy all in 45 minutes.

But, I still will have to decide whether to see her, or pick someone new. Melody knows me, remembers a lot about me, and there’s some value in that history, though it’s hard to put a dollar value on that. She doesn’t take insurance though, so tomorrow I’ll find out what my insurance pays for out-of-network doctors. Or maybe I’d be better off finding someone new, who doesn’t know me, sort of a clean slate thing, especially if I find someone with more experience with people with disabilities. Does this matter? Tomorrow I do my research, and then I’ll have to decide. Jim’s ok with all of this, though my sense is that it worries him a little. And I admit I hate the idea of a year of therapy costing as much as a good vacation would for both of us.

Right now, my reason for therapy also feels like fluff, an extra – not because of some psychological turmoil, but rather just because I want to understand something. I want to know where this writing is taking me, what it is that is driving me to write, and who I am writing for. And I want a safe place to talk about the emotions that some of my topics bring up. The therapy, the writing, are luxuries I have because I live a rather easy life. I’m not worried about where my next meal is coming from, or how I’m going to pay the rent. I’m not doing this for some eventual money. If I didn’t write I doubt the world would notice or care. And so I feel more guilty about using money selfishly just on myself, when both Jim and I could enjoy it. All the same, something is feeling right about my desire to write about my disability now.

And that’s where I am today.

A bit of Filler?

I don’t really know what to say. I feel like I need to write something, because I know a few people check on my blog on a regular basis. Lately I have simply been so busy, that I can’t seem to carve out the time to write, or when I have a little quiet time I want to just kick back, relax and read. I’ve been reading some good books and blogs lately, perhaps I’ll write about that one day. And my social life has been busier than usual as well. It’s all good, and I’m fine – well mostly fine. Did have that flu a week ago. But generally speaking I’m doing ok.

I suppose I’m taking a break from writing without intending to. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I’ll get my frame of mind back for writing, and I’ll open up a few hours a day for writing too. I want to! I even think that my not writing makes me grumpy.

So, thank you to anyone who likes my writing and for checking on me. Keep checking back, because I’ll be back – just not sure when exactly at the moment. Tomorrow is Jim’s and my 6th Anniversary, and we’re headed out of town for a night alone (no cats). Sunday is the World Cup. Next week is a busy one. Jim is “out of town” in San Diego meaning at a conference long hours, but coming home to go to bed. This is actually harder on both of us. Instead of just crashing in a hotel room just 5 minutes away from his meetings, he has a commute. And though my schedule is a bit more my own as if he is away, I’ll still be up when he gets up and will find it hard to work late into the night if I want. At least I don’t have to cook dinner! Oh, except for Wednesday when he invited a business friend over for dinner. So, another busy week in other words. Again, it’s all good.

A last note about my new wheelchair – I got the shorter armrests today, so my chair is totally set up as I like it, and my body is adjusting. My fingers aren’t pink and shiny anymore. My transfers are getting smoother, and my new straighter posture isn’t giving me a neck-ache. The second set of wheels is ordered but may take a while to arrive. So, I’m inclined to call it a success and am ready to move on – to buying a new cushion.

Sick

I wish that when I first start feeling sick that I had a better idea of what was going on. I’ll know I’m not feeling well but the feelings are vague and so I have to come up with theories.

Yesterday evening I started feeling chills, and shivering. My body ached and I just didn’t feel well. Took my temperature, and it read 100.3 – not horrible but significant for me. I rarely get fevers.

Theory 1: Bladder infection, kidney infection? The day before I had changed my tubing because my urine had gotten gunky. All seemed well now, but perhaps I hadn’t gotten the new tubing in fast enough, or drunk enough water that day? A low fever might fit with the bladder infection, but chills? And wouldn’t a kidney infection have a higher fever?

Theory 2: Bladder stone? I’ve never had one, so I really should find out what the symptoms are of these. More frequent bladder infections I believe. I noticed that twice recently I’ve leaked into my clothes, not around the suprapubic catheter. I assumed this was because of an infection – and part of why I changed my tubing. Was it instead possible that a stone was blocking the entrance of urine into my catheter? I think maybe it’s time for a visit to my urologist. I’m due this fall for a cystoscopy exam anyway – that’s a look inside the bladder. Of course I could get even more paranoid and worry about bladder cancer too.

Theory 3: Flu? This fits, though I hadn’t been around anyone sick that I knew. I did go to the Fair on Wednesday though.

Theory 4: A combination of a bladder infection and just general soreness from a private dancing lesson earlier that day. A bladder infection could cause the fever, and the dancing caused the soreness. The private dancing lesson is another story – it wasn’t supposed to be me alone, just turned out that way. It was wonderful to have a full hour of time with the instructor because I really felt like I was dancing – almost flying! My new chair is so much easier to twirl. An hour of holding my arms up though, is exercise, and by the end of it I was tired out.

Theory 5: Migraine. I have a history of visual migraines, ditto my brother and father. My oldest son gets and grandmother got the real painful headache type. I’ve never had a headache that I’d classify as migraine strength. But all day yesterday I’d been fighting a headache, especially on the left side. Of course, since reading My Stroke of Insight, I briefly thought about whether I might be having a stroke – but the headache wasn’t particularly severe, and I do get mild headaches from time to time. Can’t a migraine give you other symptoms too? Not sure about fever though.

Two hours later, after rummaging through the cabinets to see if I had enough Cipro to get me through the holiday weekend, and luckily I do, barely – I decided that I might indeed have a bladder infection, but that most likely I have a flu. The reason – I started feeling nauseous, and gassy, and began to worry about vomiting and diarrhea.

So, Jim slept in the guest bedroom, and I laid there alone with an extra T-shirt handy in case of sweaty chills, and a large bowl in case of vomiting, and I snoozed without really sleeping till about 6 AM, when I finally allowed myself to sleep because I thought it unlikely I’d have to run to the toilet. My stomach had settled.

24 hours later, I’m doing better now. My fever was lower in the morning, and is gone now. My stomach is still gassy, but I’m even a little hungry, so I think I’m ok. I had bread and a banana earlier, and so I’m going to try some soup for dinner. I’m lightheaded, possibly just from lying down all day. Still have a mild headache. Less achey. I’ll continue taking the Cipro to be on the safe side, no harm in it. Actually, the word to describe how I feel best is “exhausted”.

Is this how it is with other people? Is it hard for anyone when they get sick, to tell what’s going on? It seems to me that others don’t have this hard a time usually, but not always. Jim recently had a fever and felt ill, and our conclusion the next day was that it was probably allergies. I’m willing to accept that everyone has some difficulty, even with routine ordinary illnesses. I’m grateful (knock on wood) that so far I haven’t had even stranger or long lasting symptoms that end up with a more serious diagnosis. There are so many other things that could make it even harder to sort out what’s going on – MS, rheumatoid arthritis, cancer….

I would even say I’m lucky that all my theories are easy-to-fix things, which makes my concerns feel petty. All the same, I do wish it were easier for me to sort out my body sensations to know what’s up. An able bodied person wouldn’t have this difficulty with differentiating between a flu and a bladder infection. It would hurt to urinate with any type of bladder problem. So, I do think it’s a bit harder for me.

What a bummer to be sick too. I had gotten all the normal chores out of the way, so that we’d have a clear weekend! Well, perhaps by Monday I’ll be able to get out. And it could have been worse. I might have gotten sick next weekend, our wedding anniversary.