Chess Widow

It’s Friday night, and I’m a chess widow. I kind of like this actually. The week is over, and I get a quiet night to myself. Even though I don’t work outside the house, I do work in one way or another all week, and Fridays for me are like Fridays for so many – that ‘ah’ feeling that the week is over, and the weekend is here. So, when Jim goes off to chess, I have a quiet evening to myself to read, or watch a chick flick, or to write. I could go out, sure, I even sometimes hear of others who are alone on Fridays on a regular basis. But, I’m introverted and recharge myself when alone. Well, alone with 4 cats.

Sometimes I look forward to Jim being out of town on business for the same reasons. It isn’t that I can’t wait to have him leave, it’s that I like my own time in the evening once in a while too.

Earlier today I was really looking forward to a long evening for writing, but it’s not been an easy day, and unfortunately that’s meant my energy level is lower than optimal for getting words together in an interesting essay. In fact I’d even say that some things have me feeling rather depressed. I almost hate to say that, for I suspect a few of my friends will be checking in on me in the near future to see if I’m ok. Well, that’s what friends do, I know. And I do appreciate their concern. I don’t want to stop writing because of how others will react. And I’m not saying leave me alone. But don’t worry about me, I basically am ok, just having a low day.

Here’s why:
My wrist is hurting again, enough that I’m taking anti-inflammatories again round the clock. It seems to be worst at night, so I’m wearing a brace as long as I can stand it when I sleep. It is pinchy and if I wake up because of a jab of pain, I become more aware of the other pinchiness of the brace and yank it off. The pain is a little different this time, sharp jabs of pain from time to time – more at night than when I’m awake. Before it was mostly when I bend the wrist this way or that, and now it seems to happen for no reason. I’m pretty close to going back to the doctor again. It is in the same location, I’m sure it’s the same tendon. I have to face the idea that my wrist pain is never going to totally go away on its own. And that means surgery. I was so optimistic before. The worst part though, is that from time to time, my left wrist hurts too. This is definitely a repetitive activity problem. Surgery – groan - if I have to rest my wrist that’ll mean staying in bed, lying down, unless someone rolls me over! I can’t even sit up without pushing down on my hands. The only thing that will get me through it, is that I’ll know it’s temporary.

I was doing a lot of cooking today, getting ready for a dinner party we’re having on Sunday – and I found myself wondering how much longer I’ll be able to do all this cooking. I made a vanilla bean panna cotta, which is wonderful, but means lifting a pot with 5 cups of hot cream and milk and pouring it carefully through a strainer into another bowl. Well, I cheated and used a ladle. I’ve already stopped making apple cake unless someone else is home to put it in and out of the oven. I used to be able to balance a cookie sheet with a heavy cake centered on it, in and out of the oven, with one hand, while my other hand held me safe in the chair. Probably explains why my wrists are vulnerable now.

[An aside about my apple cake -I got the recipe when I was a teenager. I think my friend had clipped it from a newspaper, and later I adapted it to an angel food pan. I've made it so many times I could make it in my sleep, though these days it's so heavy I need someone else home to get it out of the oven. Been my kids' favorite their whole life. When Stephen was a freshman at Berkeley living in the dorms, they would send out newsletters to parents, and one time they asked for recipes for favorite foods from home, that they would serve on a special "home cooked foods" night in the dining hall. My apple cake won for the dessert category. Stephen was very proud, though he did say it wasn't quite like mine.]

I’m still having problems with my chair making clicking noises. I really should be keeping notes on all the chair stuff. One day I’ll summarize all the hassles of getting a new chair and it’ll show that AFTER the chair arrives there can be months of adjustments. As of now I still have a not quite explained noise that appeared when I swapped my solid and pneumatic tires. I’ve put together pieces made by several different companies, and there’s a little bit of finger pointing going on. At this point, several visits and phone calls since the noise started, the best theory is that the handrims are not tight onto the wheel, or that the wheel lost it’s true when the solids were taken off of it, resulting in a poor fit between rim and wheel. I have an appointment on Monday to try some experiments, and should be able to figure this out then. Next step is shipping the whole wheel back to Arizona where the handrims were made to let the manufacturer try to solve this.

Last week was hot, and I really don’t do heat well. If I didn’t have AC I don’t know how I’d stand anything over 80 degrees. And this house is the pits! I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why it won’t cool down. I know there are lots of reasons – too many halogen lights and electronic equipment, no heat blocking shades on 2 windows facing east, concrete right up to the sides of the house, raised ceilings - but last night when it was 60 degrees out, and all the windows were open, why couldn’t the thermostat in the house go below 77? I think the main problem with the house is the slate tiles on the sides of the house. They retain heat from the sun. Doesn’t help in winter, because there’s less sun! The slates look good, but when they start to fall off, they are getting removed, not replaced, and the whole house gets restuccoed. Maybe the main problem is that I hate the idea of air conditioning when it’s cool outside, and I don’t like spending the money on AC.

Today has been a rough day, mostly because I got off to a bad start. Vertigo was back, I assume I just slept wrong – too much on my left side. Maybe one cat was up against me and I leaned my head back too far. Who knows? It totally messed up my morning, so that I didn’t get out to do the chores I wanted to. They’ll keep till tomorrow. It’s ok, it’s ok.

This should be my mantra – it’s ok, it’s ok.

Really there are some good things going on too. Had a lovely dinner out with a friend on Tuesday. We’re going to make this a regular plan every couple of months.

No harm done in my fall almost 3 weeks ago. The tender spots on my head and shoulder are long gone. And for the vertigo I’m having now, the stretches really help. It was hard going at first this morning, getting dressed, tending to my cats, but once I was able to get my neck stretched out I felt much better.

The house painting is done, not the driveway yet, but the house anyway looks good. The gardeners were here Thursday so actually the house and yard look good enough to show off to company this weekend! That always makes me happy, when the house looks pretty, not showing off I mean. It makes me cheer up just to sit outside on the patio and watch the birds in the fountain taking a bath. And the weather has been cooler, so I have been outside more. Even my tomatoes are looking better!

Jim and I saw one play last weekend, and will see another this weekend – it’s summer! Outdoor Shakespeare festival at the Old Globe! Lots of fun things to do in summer. And we’re planning a trip for October too – my writing workshop and a few days in Napa.

I’ve been reading a lot – some for book club, but other books too. The last one was called Still Alice by Lisa Genova, about a woman getting early onset Alzheimer’s. I wouldn’t call it great writing exactly, but I liked it overall. Easy summer reading, even if the subject is a bit sobering. I hope I don’t get Alzheimer’s! I have enough issues going on for anyone helping take care of me in my old age.

In fact the only thing I don’t seem to be doing as much of as I’d like is writing, and that’s a complicated topic. I haven’t abandoned the idea of writing, obviously, since I’m writing today. I’ll just call it summer slump.

I’ll end with saying that I have really good friends. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’ve never been outgoing, which isn’t the same as being shy or reclusive. I just don’t party much or make friends easily. I like doing things with one person at a time over groups in general. 6 years ago I moved back to San Diego, knowing only 5 people (or couples) from living here from 1979 - 95. Of those 5 only 2 are still friends now. (OK, here’s the skinny on the other 3 – one moved away, one essentially rejected me if I put it simply, and 1 I stopped calling because the relationship was SO onesided). But these days I feel like I have lots of friends and am possibly the most social I’ve been in my life! Maybe it’s because my friends are now my own, not related to kid-centered activities. Maybe it’s because I know more people who are home in the daytime too. And maybe I’m more willing to try to get to know strangers and be social. Maybe it’s because I’m a happier person married to Jim than I was before, and other people see that. But whatever the reason(s), I like the feeling, and I’m grateful – not to the people who are “friending” me, because I assume they aren’t my friends out of pity, but because they like me – but I am grateful to be in the right place at the right time, where I have found people whose company I enjoy. The social scene for people with disabilities is not always easy. Homes are hard to get into. Hugs are awkward. Bladder and bowel issues are embarrassing, so intimacy is complicated. My father once told someone that he didn’t think I’d ever marry. I was 20 then. Maybe some stigmas are dropping, and the best place to start is with the stigma we give ourselves. I’m introverted, but I like having a social life too.