Wheelchair and Parties

I’m recovering today from an extremely busy weekend – we entertained friends yesterday evening, so there was a good amount of prep and some cooking. But besides that, and besides drinking a bit more than I should have, …AND besides spending time watching the US play in the world cup…. My body is also aching from getting used to my new wheelchair. I expected this to happen though.

I used the new chair all weekend, but not this morning. The new chair was back in its favorite hiding spot (the trunk of the car) till I could get the Chair Topper adjusted this afternoon. And now the old chair is in the trunk, and I’m in the new one – for good now! It fits well in the ChairTopper, even with the foot pedals on.

OK – a short list now:
Need a second set of solid wheels for travel, and to make up my mind what exactly I want. That won’t be too hard.

Need to get locking rings put on those wheels, and to have the D’s locks already on the chair checked. One cable seems to be bending when the chair folds, but the locks are working ok.

More shopping – for a new net for under the chair.

And my arms are too high, I’m hoping to get shorter ones or to swap out the top piece.

I’ve sorted out all the transfers except chair to bed, where I just seem to have to put my hand and weight onto the chair seat back. Eventually I’ll come up with a solution. If only 1 of the 8 typical transfers I do is a problem, I must be able to figure out the last one too.

And lastly is the getting used to it all. I wonder if this is like breaking in new hiking boots? Today my neck is achey. If it didn’t hurt, I’d even say it feels like doing a good stretch. My arms hurt a little too, which I think is from hitting the same spot on the inside of my elbow on the too-high arm rests. And last but not least, the new shape handrims are comfortable, but I hold them with a different part of my hand – more of the palm. That means I’ll be building up new calluses, and right now they are tender.

Overall – I’m pretty happy right now. This is feeling like a success story.

On Entertaining;

I like having friends over for dinner, a wine tasting, or holidays. Jim and another man started a company many years ago, and sold it several years later, but also quite a few years back at this point. The main group of 6 engineers in the company get together for a reunion once a year. I don’t know those people well, because I wasn’t in a relationship with Jim back in those days. But I enjoy organizing those dinners too. When my kids were little I had fun organizing their birthday parties. This is just something I have fun with, and like to do. Sometimes I think I missed my calling – I should have been a high powered admin, or a professional closet cleaner or caterer’s assistant who does all but the cooking. Just something with lots of organizing!

So, I enjoyed planning, preparing and having our group over for dinner yesterday. I try to imagine the little touches that others will never know about - making sure that someone who knows about wine gets a glass he can swirl it in, trying to pick wine charms for each person so they will like them (men don’t get pink flowers!). If I’m arranging seating I am careful whom I put next to whom. Planning an event is like a giant puzzle to solve! And usually it pays off, and everyone has a good time, which is all the reward I need. I learned one valuable lesson once though, that sometimes it is better to have guests NOT know each other too well.

I have found that invariably when people come to our house the first time, they are surprised. Something isn’t what they expect – you can tell by the expressions on their faces. I am guessing, but I imagine the reasons are varied and range from better food than expected or a house set up with flowers or they like the people more than they expected.

Before Jim and I married, neither of us entertained. Jim especially didn’t invite people over. When my Ex and I entertained, he was often the cook – though rarely had anything ready by the time people arrived – and my job was support. If either Jim or I were alone now I doubt we’d entertain now either. Together we’re a good team. I do most of the planning and organizing, and whatever cooking is needed. Jim listens to me fuss, and serves as sounding board when decisions have to be made. He double checks seatings and emails before making a final decision. He’s invaluable for set up and clean up. And he’s a good shopper, not minding if we spend a little money on flowers or wine. I am sure that most of our guests know that I do most of the planning. They might not give Jim enough credit, but they aren’t far wrong if they assume our parties are more my show.

I sometimes wonder whether people are surprised when I do a good job because they don’t expect as much from me because of the wheelchair, or because they just don’t know me well or maybe it’s because they are surprised anyone would go to the depth of planning I do (or that they perceive I do). I suspect it’s maybe all three.

In general people tend to reduce their expectations of people in wheelchairs, though I’d be surprised if everyone would admit it. Hey, I reduce my expectations! I’m likely to adjust expectations according to what my sense of their disability is, but I play this game, and really I know better. I think when you first meet someone with a disability, without even wanting to, you take a measure of their strength, stamina and general activity. I’ll tend to forget that someone who isn’t very strong and full of energy might hire others to do their work, and it’s as much the disabled person’s creation as anyone else’s.

I don’t reveal much about myself in conversation. When I meet new people, they quickly find out I’m not working, and then frequently conversation stops there. It doesn’t help that I’m married to a man who sometimes can’t STOP talking! I love him anyway, and most of the time it’s a good arrangement for me. I’d just as soon not talk about myself, but the end result is that even my closer friends often don’t know what I have and haven’t done in my life. I don’t dwell on that stuff much either. I’ve done a lot of volunteer work in my life, but I’ve thrown away almost all the files and notes from those years. I’ve had plenty of years of schooling, but except for once in a while dropping the “MIT” name in conversation I don’t talk about it, for I can’t say it’s gotten me much in life. Generally now I’m a domestic person, enjoying taking care of house, yard, food and entertainment. That’s me. With a large dose of taking care of me in there.

And lastly people are surprised at one of our gatherings, because many people don’t entertain now. Maybe it’s the social circle I’m in, or even the social class. But what happened to a group of friends getting together for a Saturday night party? I feel like I haven’t seen that since grad school days. I know some groups, especially people in their 20s like my sons, will get together to watch a big game, or a bbq – but these things don’t seem to happen much in my age range anymore. It’s more likely that we’ll go out to eat with another couple. That’s good too, no complaints. My parents weren’t particularly social people, but 3 -4 times a year they would go to someone’s party, and I can remember sitting on the steps in our house watching one of my parent’s parties too. It’s like the old fashioned office Christmas Eve party – people don’t have them anymore. Except some very wealthy people, who throw lavish parties for 200, and we know very few of those!

I think these parties are good though. I’ve gotten positive feedback (well, who would give me bad feedback?) from yesterday’s gathering, and a couple of people have said how much they enjoyed meeting new people. I’m not doing any matchmaking, but even married folk benefit from making new friends.

I’ll never know the answer to whether I surprise people by my planning because of who I am, my disability or because Jim and I invite people over at all. It doesn’t really matter, as long as we and our guests are having a good time.